Nagato Can't Read
by hoboswitness
Summary: Crack. This is literally all crack. "Since that time, I have learned what a glasses fetish is, and I now understand." "No one cockblocks Sailor Pothead and gets away with it."
1. Nagato Can't Read

I sat at the table in the clubroom, reading a book. Haruhi and Asahina-san were out doing something bunny-like, that I didn't really feel like stopping at the moment, and Koizumi was gone doing something. You know, whatever he does when he's not being an annoying asshole.

The only one besides me was Nagato, who was also enjoying a book, flipping the pages every minute or so.

The clock ticked in the background at a steady beat, causing the book I was reading to grow rather dull very quickly. I closed it and looked up at the girl across from me, wondering if she felt the same as I did.

"Hey, Nagato? Is that book any good?"

She stared up at me, a shiny glimmer in her eyes, "...unique."

"Cool, I might want to read it sometime."

"I'd like to lend it to you," she said in her monotone voice, "but I'm afraid I cannot."

I stopped, wondering when Nagato started using metaphorical words like 'afraid' in her sentences. "Well... why not?" I asked letting my curiousity get the best of me.

"...I'd like to finish it first."

"That makes since. How long do you think that will take."

The girl paused, as if calculating how long it would take her to read the book. Then I just thought that maybe she was taking a big pause just to take a break from me jumping on her with questions.

"Forever," she finally replied.

"But... but why?" I asked slightly confused.

"Because you wouldn't let me recreate the glasses. I've been pretending to read this book for 6 months now. Since that time, I have learned what a glasses fetish is, and I now understand."

I sat in silence, unsure of how to reply.

"The only thing I do not understand is, most human males 'ask out' females they feel sexually attracted to. I understand I may not be human, but that doesn't seem to have stopped people before. So, why haven't you ever asked me out?"

I continued to remain silent. '...not be human, but that doesn't seem to have stopped people before.' Okay, so just how many times have situations like mine occured?

She held her gaze at me, and I was just dazed by how calm she was while saying all this to me.

"Oh..." I said, "I'm sorry."

"I except your apology."

"Well then... Nagato, would you go out with me?"

She turned the page of her book, and continued to 'read'.

"No."

"...oh..." I said surprised. "Well, can I at least read that book? It looks much more interesting than mine."

She looked up and the looked back down to the book.

"No."

* * *

><p><strong>AN: Okay everyone. Not nearly as crappy as the first time I put this on here. **

**I plan to make this a series of crackfics because I'm better at those than coming up with plot (not that I won't finish my other story, I promise I will!) **

**If you have any ideas for a crackfic feel free to PM me. Or just write it yourself! I'm not a dictator, do whatever you want. **

**Kyon's Alter Mental State will be up before I go to school on the 2nd! Now that I've made the promise it must be done! Oh god, I hope I don't let you guys down...**


	2. Sailor Pothead

A/N: WARNING: This crackfic has drug references and talk of pedophiles. And I've kind of realized how much I actually curse while writing this. So there... there is your fair warning.

**Sailor Pothead**

In a world, where evil lurks every corner, where danger crosses the path of every human, especially Kyon for some reason, and where... some other third thing... there was one.

_Smoking weed by moonlight,  
>Molesting loli's by daylight.<br>Never running from a real fight,  
>He is the one named Sailor Pothead.<em>

_I'm on drugs no one can comprehend.  
>His God, he'll always defend.<br>Zero's got a restraining order against him.  
>He is the one named Sailor...<em>

_Sailor Yui!  
>Sailor Ritsu!<br>Sailor Mugi!  
>Sailor Mio!<em>

_With epic powers caused by drug abuse,  
>He is the one named Sailor Pothead.<em>

_Smoking weed by moonlight,  
>Molesting loli's by daylight.<br>With his Loli Scouts to help fight,  
>He is the one named Sailor Pothead.<em>

_He is the one named Sailor Pothead._

_He is the one... SAILOR POTHEAD!_

"Hey, thanks man," Koizumi said a little cranked, "my powers are almost running out of juice."

Scottie, your typical drug dealer at the park, raised a slight eyebrow at his costumer. "What did you just say?"

"You know. I haven't been able to soar as high anymore, and it's been getting harder to keep the-"

"Wait... are you talking metaphorically, or..." he asked, completely confused.

"Meta-what? What the hell are you talking about?"

"What the hell are you talking about?" Scottie asked.

"The citizens of this town need protecting."

_Maybe I shouldn't be selling this guy anymore, _Scottie thought. _He seems really cracked right now, and he says he's been out for a few days._

"Look, maybe I shouldn't be selling this stuff to you, you know? I'll give you a full refund, I just don't think that-"

Koizumi held up his hand to stop him. He raised the bag with his other hand, as to give it back, before yelling, "NO TAKE BACKS!" And running to the other side of the park like a maniac.

Koizumi stopped running when he got by the swings, knowing that now he had the power to be refueled, and that villain Scottie wouldn't dare come looking for him.

He looked behind himself to see Scottie literally only 20 feet behind him.

"That's funny," Koizumi said to himself, "he doesn't look like he's moved himself from that spot at all. Is it possible he's given me some sort of kryptonite?"

Koizumi looked in the bag.

"No. No crystals in here."

Koizumi then sat on a swing in amusement. He would never involve himself with crystals of any sort.

_Too expensive._

Koizumi continued to swing, content with his grass in a bag, when he looked over to see a little girl in the distance, who seemed to have fallen off the slide.

Koizumi knew exactly what to do.

He jumped off the swing, a little disoriented, but now was not the time for him, and he knew it.

He began pulling his jacket off to reveal a large black shirt, that had 'SP' written in a very large comic sans font. At first, he wasn't so sure if comic sans was the way to go, but then he was like "Fuck yeah! What other super hero uses something like comic sans!"

Anyway, after revealing his shirt, and wasting a good 30 seconds he didn't need to, he ran over to the small child hurt on the ground.

"Hello little girl! I am here to help you!" he smiled.

"Oh, okay. But uh... I'm a boy."

Koizumi stepped back to do a look-over.

"Are you sure?"

"Yes!" he said annoyed.

"Oh," Koizumi said a little disgruntled, "Well, I guess that will work anyway. I'm always willing to try something new."

The small boy looked very confused, but took what he learned from school about stranger-danger to discover that this guy was probably a freak. With this new information at his side, he began to back away slowly, no longer caring about the somewhat mediocre scrape on his knee.

"Koizumi!" yelled a very angry and also confused Scottie, "Just what the _hell _do you think you're doing?"

Koizumi stopped. He looked the taller drug-dealer in the eye, trying to scare him off with his intimidation skills.

To his dissatisfaction, it did not work.

Koizumi stuck a facial expression that just screamed _these aren't the droids you're looking for_, before yelling, "NO TAKES BACKS!", and running into the parking lot to go off on another adventure of serving justice and all that crap.

* * *

><p><strong>AN: Just for the record, I do not own the idea of Sailor Pothead, you can give all that credit to one of my favorite youtuber's, FullmetalChao, who created The Abridging of Haruhi Suzumiya, which is absolutely hilarious. Tots recommend, especially if you're reading TMOHS fanfiction. **

**Oh, and I'd like if anyone could write a review, just to tell me if I'm even being funny, or if I should just stop. I seriously can't tell if this is comedy gold, or if I'm just crapping all over it.**

**With it being summer, and me having no school, I'm up for recommendations if anyone is up for that, but whatever, do what you want, I already have plenty of ideas, so I'm not begging.**

**Thanks for reading!**


	3. Sailor Pothead 2

A/N: WARNING: This crackfic has drug references and talk of pedophiles. And I've kind of realized how much I actually curse while writing this. I'm pretty sure I could also unintentionally hurt the feelings of the LGBTQ community, with a tiny little joke, so I just want to put it out there that I'm pansexual and don't want to start a riot because some people can't take a joke. ItsuKyon has been my OTP since middle school, so even though this is a crack/in no way romantical- I just wanted to a reference. It's probably not even a big deal. Stop reading this incredibly long warning and have fun you crazy kids. So there... there is your fair warning.

**Sailor Pothead- Part 2**

Kyon walked down the street quietly, with a just as silent Nagato by his side, silently cursing at himself for agreeing to do this.

During this past week, Koizumi had been leaving the clubroom early for very vague reasons, and today, the young esper didn't come to the clubroom at all. So, Haruhi decided it called for splitting up and going to find him.

It's not like we could just go to his house, or confront him about it tomorrow, no, _let's randomly search in the streets for hours on end so we can maybe, possibly, find the least important member of the SOS Brigade._

Yes, this was _very _logical.

Just as Kyon was about to give up on the search and kindly tell Nagato she could just go home, he looked over to see a sight he wasn't expecting to see that day.

He saw a boy in a North High uniform, kneeling down to talk to four girls, who all appeared to be in middle school. And of course that boy just had to be Koizumi.

_Damn that Koizumi! _

Before deciding to confront the group, Kyon stood in amazement at how easily Koizumi obviously had it with the ladies.

_BUT WAIT! AREN'T THEY MIDDLE SCHOOLERS?_

Kyon made his way over to Koizumi, Nagato silently following, though not really providing much for plot development or emotional support.

"Oh, hello Kyon. Surprise seeing you here."

Kyon just stared unamusingly, waiting for his explanation for appearing to be picking up chicks, all of which looked under the age of twelve.

"Oh," Koizumi said realizing his terribly rude mistake, "Kyon these are my... friends." He then began pointing to each of them as he named them off, "Yui... Mugi... Ritsu... and Mio."

"Right," Kyon said nodding, "And how do you know these four _middle schoolers_?"

Koizumi gave Kyon a look, making it seem as though Kyon should have been embarrassed. "Oh, Kyon. These girls are in the same grade as us. They may be shorter in stature, but that is no reason to treat them poorly."

Kyon was a little surprised, "Really?" he asked turning to the girl with brown hair and a large instument on her back.

"Oh, um... yeah! We go to Sakara High on the other side of town."

"Really, um... okay." Kyon then turned back to the mysterious dick-bag who didn't show up to the club room the current day. "Koizumi, what's got into you lately? Haruhi is going to tear the world apart if you don't get your ass back to the clubroom."

"Live with the times, Kyon. I'm tired of Suzumiya."

"Are you... are you fucking serious?"

"Yup," Koizumi said, now leaning into Kyon's ear to whisper, "I've got four totally cute loli's that I think I can get to have sex with me if I try just a little bit harder, you know?"

"What?!" Kyon said, surprised Koizumi would ever tell him something like that.

"If you want," Koizumi said still whispering, "You can have two of them. I see your date has left."

Kyon looked over his shoulder to see Nagato had left what seemed to be ten minutes ago, not at all caring of Koizumi and his decisions to try to get laid with four girls who look like they couldn't be much older than 10 years old.

Kyon stepped away from Koizumi, motioning for him to take a step back as well, though he continued to stay uncomfortably close.

He looked back to the four cute girls, sighing with the knowledge that he was somehow linked with the pretentious asshole known as Koizumi.

"Sorry, girls. It seems my friend here has much different ideas of what is going on here, so you should probably try to avoid him unless you want your pride stolen from you.

Three of the girls seemed to completely understand what he was saying, and tried to walk away, but one, the one he had talked to earlier, seemed very confused at the strand of words Kyon had just put together.

"Come on, Yui," said the one with black hair, "I'll walk you home." As they all walked away, the one with long blonde nodded to Kyon, as if thanking him for getting them out of an uncomfortable situation.

When they were finally out of their sight, Kyon looked over to Koizumi, who looked like he had just lost a precious object of his.

"Bro! Why'd you let them leave!"

"First, I'm not your bro. Don't ever fucking call me that again." Kyon said, not ready for Koizumi's bullshit. "And second, they were not going to have sex with you."

"Oh, and _how _do you know that?" Koizumi said sarcastically, getting into Kyon's face.

"They didn't even look like they _knew what sex was_!"

Koizumi scoffed, "Well, I hope you'll be willing to pay the consequences for what you've done, and learn a valuable lesson why you don't cockblock Sailor Pothead."

"What?" Kyon asked. "No. I hope you get help so you never do something so ridiculous ever again."

"_No one cockblocks Sailor Pothead and gets away with it_." Koizumi grumbled.

"Come on, Koizumi, I'll walk you home," Kyon said, not wanting Koizumi to make victim of a girl who was charmed by Koizumi good looks.

Did saying Koizumi was handsome make Kyon gay?

_Maybe._

* * *

><p><strong>AN: Just for the record, I do not own the idea of Sailor Pothead, you can give all that credit to one of my favorite youtuber's, FullmetalChao, who created The Abridging of Haruhi Suzumiya, which is absolutely hilarious. Tots recommend, especially if you're reading TMOHS fanfiction.**

**Oh, and I'd like if anyone could write a review, just to tell me if I'm even being funny, or if I should just stop. I seriously can't tell if this is comedy gold, or if I'm just crapping all over it.**

**With it being summer, and me having no school, I'm up for recommendations if anyone is up for that, but whatever, do what you want, I already have plenty of ideas, so I'm not begging.**

**And did you see that gay-joke I was talking about. Not even a big deal right? I bet you didn't even notice it since you probably didn't read the warning you sneaky clever-bastard. But I love you for that.**

** Sorry, I'm just trying to apologize in advance for all of the things I say that will most likely offend a large group of people.**

**Thanks for reading (and for hopefully not hating me)!**


	4. Sailor Pothead 3

A/N: WARNING: This crackfic has drug references and talk of pedophiles. And I've kind of realized how much I actually curse while writing this. So there... there is your fair warning.

**Sailor Pothead 3**

Kyon ran as fast as he could up the stairs. He dropped the phone as soon as he got the phone call.

_Koizumi was going to commit suicide._

On top of a tall cliche building stood Koizumi, looking at the ground, legitimately confused why everyone was freaking out and telling him not to jump.

_I'm not going to jump, _thought Koizumi, _I'm going to fly._

Kyon refused to stay at the bottom like some kind of peasant. He knew that in some sort of sick and twisted fucked-up way, he was Koizumi's only friend, and the only one that could possibly convince him to get the fuck down in a safe and elevator-friendly kind of way.

Kyon slammed himself right into the door, just to be stopped because of physics.

_God dammit. It was one of those pull-doors and not a push-door._

Kyon threw away his hatred of pull-doors, knowing he had to save, dare he say it... his friend.

"Koizumi!" he yelled when he finally made his way through the wretched pull-door. "Don't do it!"

Koizumi looked back at Kyon, "Oh, not you too! Why can't I just do this one thing?"

"Because it will be the last thing you ever do!" Kyon said. "Don't you want to live? You have so much to live for!"

"Kyon... I must save the lives of-"

"Koizumi- the world would not be a better place without you!" Kyon yelled, still unaware of how high Koizumi actually was, "Do you know how boring my life would be if you hadn't been in it?"

"Kyon... you just don't understand. I must save the lives of citizens. And I cannot do that just from the ground."

"...what?" Kyon asked.

"Everyone is getting so angry. I just wan't to help the people of the city. But I guess _you _don't want that, do you? In that case, you leave me no choice. I shall attack you with a wave a my loli-minions!"

Koizumi waved his hand behind himself, as if motioning what he thought to be loli-minions to go attack Kyon. But in reality, there were no loli-minions, and they were not going to attack anything to prevent Koizumi from jumping off the top of a building.

_Are you fucking serious, _Kyon thought to himself. _He's high, isn't he? _

_Well... fuck._

_In this case, he was going to have to use the logic of a very high teenage boy._

"But Koizumi," he said, gathering his thoughts, "your... _loli's_ need saving up here. I have tied them up and they need freeing."

"Don't be ridiculous, Kyon. My loli-minions wouldn't be able to be outsmarted by _you_."

_Wow, what a dick._

"Your right, Koizumi. That was just a trick."

If Kyon was going to get through to him, he knew he'd have to get more ridiculous.

"That was a mind trick."

"What are you talking about, Kyon. Don't waste my time," Koizumi answered.

"Your mind is fooling you. This is all the work of the evil... Doctor Mind, who wants to trick you into thinking you're able to fly."

"...go on..."

"Doctor Mind, he uh... has put you in a special part of closed space, where you have the inability to use your powers, such as flying."

"Oh, well I suppose that would make since."

"And, everyone thinks you're trying to commit suicide, and just wants you to come down."

Koizumi stared in awe at his position, and seemed to slowly understand what was going on. He then slowly stepped down and jogged himself over to Kyon.

They held an uncomfortable gaze, until Koizumi hugged Kyon tightly.

"Thank you, Kyon. I cannot express how grateful I am for bringing me to my senses. Maybe a kiss will..."

Kyon then hit Koizumi with the back of his hand, now almost positive Koizumi was just fucking with him, and literally pulled all of this just for the possibility for a kiss.

Kyon then walked away, cursing under his breath when he got once again to the pull-door.

Koizumi sat on the ground, staring as Kyon walked away from him, and out the door.

"Mission failed," Koizumi said, "Lip-to-lip contact was not made." Koizumi then stood up, and pretended to be an airplane as he made his way down the stairs, thinking of a new plan to get Kyon to love him.

* * *

><p><strong>AN: **Just for the record, I do not own the idea of Sailor Pothead, you can give all that credit to one of my favorite youtuber's, FullmetalChao, who created The Abridging of Haruhi Suzumiya, which is absolutely hilarious. Tots recommend, especially if you're reading TMOHS fanfiction.****

****And I'm sorry, but if you don't think this is something Koizumi would do, then we obviously haven't been watching the same anime and reading the same novels.****

****This is the last of Sailor Pothead for now, I'm gonna start working on some other crack fics I have. But don't think this adventure is over. It will probably most-definitely be coming back some fine day.****

******Oh, and I'd like if anyone could write a review, just to tell me if I'm even being funny, or if I should just stop. I seriously can't tell if this is comedy gold, or if I'm just crapping all over it.******

**With it being summer, and me having no school, I'm up for recommendations if anyone is up for that, but whatever, do what you want, I already have plenty of ideas, so I'm not begging.**

**Thanks for reading! **


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